MISC : The Last Will and Testament of Melvin Gardens

Because my terminal illness leaves me only a few months to live at the most, I have written this, my last will and testament. It is my fervent desire for 100 percent compliance to the stipulations below after my passing. Despite how strange some of these stipulations might be, I trust that they will be carried out without any problem.

1. First and foremost, I want to make it clear that my family is not to get a scrap of my wealth after I am deceased and are to be ordered to leave my estate after they have spent a final week getting their affairs in order. They were never supportive of my albeit licentious lifestyle and the debaucheries I am guilty of. My children (Charley, Christian, and Susan) shunned me as a dirty old man throughout my final years, and my wife met me only with scorn at my lewd sexual acts. They condemned me for my choices in life and for my passions, and for that, I want them to suffer greatly after I am gone. They are therefore to be left with not a penny, nor any shelter of mine, and they will also be forced to pick up whatever amount of debt I have accrued and left behind after I am gone.
2. I want my best friend and fellow libertine Vincent Harley to receive my PC where I have downloaded vast amounts of child pornography, as well as all of my videos containing authentic rape footage and snuff films, and the VCR/DVD player that we used to watch them, as well as my TV. Vincent Harley has stood by me through thick and thin and has explored with me through mutual masturbation each new realm of Internet perversion, and I want him to know that every second has meant the world to me, and I hope that it means as much to him as well. I hope that in my death, he can have a few mementos to remember me by, for when he is feeling lonely and horny.
3. All of my riches are to go to my mistress Janet Lynch for surrendering herself and agreeing to my increasingly bizarre sexual tastes. I want her to know that her favors are greatly appreciated and have brought me great joy these past few years I have called upon her services. Whatever material goods I have acquired before my death should also be sold when I am deceased. All profits from those sales should also be given to Janet Lynch.
4. As far as what should be done with my body, I do not want any kind of funeral or memorial service whatsoever. The last thing I want in death is for a bunch of phony people or my family attending my funeral not because they are saddened by my death (because I know they would not be) but solely out of a sense of obligation, and then pretending to shed a few tears while giving fake eulogies speaking not from the heart but by contriving meaningless words they make up as they go along. Such hypocrisy makes me physically ill (even more so than I feel at this moment) and I will not have the memory of the life I lived soiled by such lies. There are only a few people that would be saddened by my passing, and they will be free to mourn privately.
5. While I will not have a memorial service, I have a few instructions for how I wish my body is to be buried and all that must come before I am finally laid to rest. I will be very specific on such matters, and wish that my instructions be followed explicitly and without deviation:
   • After I am killed, I want my body to be returned to my home, where my carcass will be seated upon my couch for exactly one week's time. While in this position, I do not want any embalming fluids, but instead to be allowed to decompose naturally, and for the flies and maggots to feast upon me, for in life, I have always found insects over my genitalia to be highly erotic, thus, I wish to have that experience in death as well. During this time, my family is to reside in my home (this is to be their last week living their before they are thrown out) to experience first hands all the deathly, fetid odors emanating from my dead carcass, and to be sickened by the putrid stench coming from me.
   • After exactly one week after my death, I wish to be removed from my home, but before being placed in my coffin, I want three dildoes to be inserted into my anus and pushed as far up into my rectum as possible.
   • Once I am placed in my coffin, I want Worthington—my cat—to crawl onto my body and urinate on my abdomen.
   • While this is happening, I wish for my eldest son to defecate into my mouth.
   • I want Janet Lynch to have sex with my body one last time before I am put to rest, and after she has me that last time, she is to castrate me, cutting off my penis as well, and then stuff my genitals into my anus, pushing the organs as far up into my rectum as she possibly can.
   • Afterward, I want my body to be buried in an unmarked grave, where I can discreetly and anonymously return to nature, from whence I came.

Done at the Holy Ghost Hospital in a state of reason, despite my failing health, on March 28, 2004.