Print Page
Send to Friend
Satan: Bless me father, for I have sinned. I've never been to confession before, though I've been meaning to do so for quite some time. Originally, I planned this on the start of the new Millennium, on January 1, 2000, but you know, a few things came up and it slipped my mind for a while. And when you get to my age, a few years just don't seem like that long at all and can easily slip by. I guess I'm a procrastinator, but I finally got off my lazy ass and came here. This was a long time in coming, and it's about damn time I get it out of the way.
Priest: Does that mean you have a lot of sins to confess?
Satan: Actually, no, that's not it at all. I just said the whole "bless me father for I have sinned" jazz to get the formalities out of the way.
Priest: Then may I ask why you're here?
Satan: I'm here to set the record straight once in for all, because I am sick and tired of always being a scapegoat for all that is wrong in the world.
Priest: Excuse me, my son?
Satan: Every time something bad happens, especially in biblical tales, I'm always to blame. You have no idea how hurtful religious people can be when you are considered the thing that is to blame for all the evil wrought about in the world. Every time someone starts thinking something that might make them different or weird or a heretic, all these fundamentalist assholes accuse me of distorting their thoughts and luring them into a trap like I'm some sort of snake or troll under a bridge.
Priest: Please watch your language.
Satan: I'm sorry, Father, I didn't mean to offend you or anything. I'm just really upset, that's all. You would be to if everyone was going on about how much of an evil son of a...an evil person you were.
Priest: [taking in a few breaths, feeling chilled, yet not going to believe his first impression of what this man is telling him] I'm afraid I don't understand.
Satan: Yeah, there's a lot of things I don't understand either, you know? For one thing, the whole concept of confession. What's the point of it anyway?
Priest: To confess your sins before the Lord so you can take penance and be forgiven.
Satan: I thought that was the whole reason Christ died 2000 years ago: So sins can be forgiven.
Priest: Forgiveness comes to those who want to be forgiven, if they are truly sorry for what they did.
Satan: If someone was really sorry for their sins, then they'd make it a point not to do it anymore, simple as that. But just sinning again and again and confessing it to a priest because you know you'll be forgiven doesn't sound like you're very remorseful. A person who cheats on their spouse every week and then comes on Sunday to confess it, thinking that the adultery will be okay with the Lord because they confessed their sins isn't repentant at all.
Priest: Unfortunately that is the case a lot of the time, where people continue to sin, only to confess later on. But some of the people who come here truly are remorseful for the ills they have committed. I can tell by the way they weep upon confession.
Satan: Yeah, maybe, but it just seems to me that people use stuff like this as an easy way out of their sins, to convince themselves that they are okay in the Lord's eyes, and then go ahead and do it again and again. Besides, how are people supposed to keep tabs on all the sins they've committed anyway? What, are they going to carry around a notepad everywhere they go? Yeah, then they'll start thinking to themselves: "Uh-oh, I'm about to commit a grave sin. I'd better write this down so I can confess it to the priest this weekend." Doesn't sound like such a person is very sorry at all.
Priest: I guess you have a point there, but many people who confess are truly sorry for what they do and genuinely do seek redemption.
Satan: Takes all kinds to make the world go 'round, right?
Another thing that I can't understand about the whole religion stuff is the Eucharist. Eating the flesh and drinking the blood of Christ? Isn't that just a little bit creepy when you think about it? But hey, why stop at the flesh and blood of Christ, when you can really get closer to him? Take that extra step and eat the shit and drink the piss and stomach acids of the Lord, too. That'll really prove your loyalty to Him. Or other bodily fluids. I'm not sure if you would drink or eat the mucous of the Lord—I guess it all depends on whether it is closer to a solid or liquid. But hey, you can always eat the hair and fingernails and toenails of Christ; now doesn't that sound like a scrumptious treat! Drinking sweat sounds delicious as well, doesn't it? Or maybe you can give Jesus the stomach flu and he can vomit all over the place and you can eat that, too. Or he can have an infected cut and you can eat the pus of God. Yeah, already I'm drooling. How about you?
Of course, the way some churches pass out the blood of Christ, using the same spoon, isn't very sanitary at all. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want a spoon going into my mouth that's been in the mouths of a hundred other people. Doesn't sound very sanitary at all, and surely there must be some kind of health code against it. Or maybe God will protect you from the spread of disease—such as oral herpes, or whatever else these other people might have—when you take his communion.
Priest: I'll thank you not to utter such blasphemes. And if you are here just to joke around, please leave, as there are many others who have legitimate confessions to make and I haven't the time to waste with someone joking around, especially about such serious matters like spirituality, the way you're doing right now.
Satan: Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I'm just making a point, but I don't want to annoy you. I do have a purpose here, so I guess I'll quit with the tangents and get to the point.
Priest: [feeling anger at the blasphemes spoken, but struggling to regain his composure and calm himself] Okay, please get to the point, my son.
Satan: My point is that every story has two sides to it, and for thousands of years the people have only gotten to hear God's side of the story in The Bible. I'm made the scapegoat and blamed for everything. I am the entity of evil, the lord of darkness, and am to blame for everything wrong with the world. But I never got a chance to tell my side of the story, and that's why I'm here now. It's time I set the record straight once and for all.
Priest: I still don't understand. [pauses and sighs] And please don't go off on another blasphemous tangent.
Satan: [shakes his head] No, you're right. I should just get to the point. You see, I'm Satan, and for thousands of years, I've gotten a bad rap. It really is slanderous, and with all the litigation these days, I could probably sue every Bible scholar, the people who wrote the Bible, and God Himself for the damning lies told against me. It's gone too far, and I'm not going to take it anymore.
Priest: [beginning to sweat and clutch the cross around his neck tightly] Okay, well, I don't believe you. I still think this is just some sick joke. But whatever, I'll play along.
Satan: It's no joke. I couldn't be more serious.
Priest: I highly doubt that, since Satan would be unwelcome here and his evil would be repelled from the house of God.
Satan: Well, I'm here, aren't I? My "evil" hasn't been repelled. But the truth is, I'm not really such a bad guy at all.
The Bible is always going on about "Satan's temptations" and how I am this evil predator that lures people away from God and into a life of sin and decadence. They then go on about how much of a horrible effect I have had on the world.
That's complete and utter rubbish, of course. I don't go around tempting people, only to torture them for eternity. What kind of sick creep do people take me for? Most of the time I just hang around in Hell. I'm surprised God has let me out to get this done. I don't get out a lot, but when I do, I like to make the most out of my vacations.
Priest: So you never tempt people away from God, then? You never once made a deal with anybody in exchange for their soul?
Satan: Okay, maybe I have made a few deals with some people, but it's not what you think it is. I'm not trying to tempt anyone into eternal damnation where I torture them forever. That's not it at all. Just more Christian stereotyping and superstition. What I really do is give people what they want, plain and simple. People have dreams and aspirations that they can't get to without my help. So I come along and help them out with their dreams and give them the edge they need. In return, they come back to Hell with me, but I don't torture them. [sniffs and sobs softly] It's just that I get lonely in Hell sometimes, you know? I just want a few friends.
Priest: There are plenty of heathen sinners in hell for you to talk to.
Satan: I suppose, and despite what you might think, I don't torture any of them. Granted, hell isn't that nice of a place to be, and it really is pretty damn hot—God is such a jerk sometimes; the guy can't even give us a lousy air conditioning or even a fan. We're just one big, loving, happy family united and making the best out of an other wise bad situation. And everyone I've ever made a deal with accepted willingly. It was there choice, and believe it or not, I have been rejected. And once they reject me, I leave them alone. If they don't want my help, that's fine. I'm not going to push my will on others unlike some people we know.
Priest: The Lord doesn't force anyone to choose. It's their decision whether they want to accept Christ into their lives or live without Him.
Satan: [scoffing] Yeah, some choice. "Either live for me, or suffer eternal damnation." Doesn't sound like much of a choice at all, but an ultimatum. It's like saying "give me all your money or I'll blow your brains out." It's never a choice when scare tactics are involved because the people are too afraid to go with the alternative that will get them killed most of the time. How is that free will.
Priest: Hell is reserved for sinners who do now allow Christ into their lives. Christ tries to save them, but some people just don't want to be saved.
Satan: See, that doesn't sound very loving at all. People don't have that choice, because if they reject Christ, its Hell for them, where they supposedly get tortured. But me, I don't pull crap like that. I'm not going to punish someone forever just because they don't live exactly the way I want them to. That's not loving at all. And there's no way for you to make redemption in Hell, according to the Bible, yet if God was loving, he'd make the punishment temporary, so you could learn and move on. When the punishment is permanent, that's not possible.
Priest: But you said that you don't torture people in Hell.
Satan: I'm speaking from a biblical standpoint about eternal damnation. The truth is, I don't torture them, but the intent of Hell is to be tortured and punished for your sins, is it not?
Priest: Jesus died at the cross so that our sins may be forgiven and we might be saved.
Satan: Yeah, I know the whole story. And I'm sure you do as well. Have you seen how I am portrayed in The Passion of the Christ?
Priest: Yeah, and The Passion was truly a moving tale, illustrating just how great a sacrifice Jesus made for our sins. I was really touched. [wipes a sentimental tear from his eyes]
Satan: The truth is, though, that Jesus didn't have to go through that at all. There was no point. God can do anything He wants, right?
Priest: That's right.
Satan: So isn't it safe to assume He could've forgiven people's sins without making His only son get tortured and killed on the cross. Christ's suffering was completely unnecessary, because God could've just said: "Well, okay, people make mistakes, and I'm just going to let bygones be bygones and forgive them" without all the suffering and bloodshed. It just wasn't necessary at all to do that to the poor Christ.
Yeah, I did try to talk Jesus out of it, but not so He would betray God's plans, but to spare the poor guy such pointless suffering. I really do have a heart, you know. I have compassion, and I just didn't want to see the guy suffer like that. So I tried to talk Him out of it and he rejected me.
I guess God and Jesus had this sort of Sadomasochistic relationship going, where Jesus would allow Himself to get tortured all for God's sick amusement. God—however loving He might be—is still quite sadistic as well. There's what He did with Christ. And then we all know the story of Abraham, and how God told Abraham to sacrifice his first born.
Priest: It was a means of testing Abraham's loyalty to God, and before the last minute, God stopped Abraham from killing his child.
Satan: Yeah, I guess that might be true, but it still wasn't a very nice thing to do.
You read The Bible and there are tons of stories of God killing and God ordering the deaths and genocide of a whole lot of people. But me, I've never killed anyone. Most of the time I just hang out in Hell and act mellow, catch up with all my friends, and we try to have a good time.
I never killed anyone in my life and I never ordered anyone else to kill anyone or do anything even remotely evil, period. I don't provide an evil influence on men or women or anyone else, and I certainly didn't tempt Eve to eat that apple. She did it on her own and then talked Adam into doing it. I wasn't even there.
That's another thing I'm really getting sick of. I'm tired of being the scapegoat for all the wrongs people do to each other. They are always going on about how they were influenced by the devil. "The Devil made me do it." That's complete and total BS—excuse my language—I didn't make them do anything. Problem is people don't like to take responsibility for their actions and don't want to believe that they are really a bad person and not the innocent victim they try to make themselves out to be. If they don't blame me, they'll blame society, or their upbringing, and say that they are what they are because that's how nature or nurture made them, and they have no control over it. It's rather pathetic the way no one wants to take any responsibility for anything they do, but just easily blame outside factors, whether it be me, or something else. They don't like the way they turned out, so rather than face that fact and try to change, they take comfort in telling themselves that it isn't their fault. It makes me sick.
Priest: I agree that people don't take responsibility for their actions anymore, especially these days. They just blame everything else. People need to be more spiritual in their lives and let God into their hearts, and take responsibility for their own lives, and maybe we wouldn't be having all these problems.
Satan: That whole "God in your life" thing is the worst excuse of all. People need to worship Christ to be good people? They can't act ethical on their own? That's assuming that no one who lives for Christ has done evil either and that there isn't any corruption in the churches. Surely no priest has ever molested a child, isn't that right, Father?
Priest: [sweating profusely now, blinking his eyes as his hands clench tightly into fists] Well...ahem...I know I haven't.
Satan: [sighing wistfully] You know, God and I used to be the best of friends. We were more than friends, in fact. But then he had to start acting like a total jerk.
Priest: Yes, it said so in the Bible that you two used to be allies, but then you turned against Him and rejected His love and His will, and he cast you into Hell because you turned your back on Him and betrayed His love.
Satan: Yeah, okay, so maybe I didn't always agree with Him, but we could've had a nice, friendly debate. Things didn't have to turn out the way they did. If God could only listen to what I had to say, maybe things would've been fine. He didn't have to agree with me, but at least listening to my ideas instead of being an elitist asshole—
Priest: I asked you not to swear.
Satan: I'm sorry, I guess I'm just getting worked up. [pausing and sighing again as he blinks the tears from his eyes].
Priest: [shuffling his feet, gazing ahead.]
Satan: God and I used to be homosexual lovers. We sodomized one another plenty of times and took turns and it was great. He enjoyed it as much as I did. We had a loving, romantic relationship and were not just lovers but best friends as well. It was really something. It was beautiful.
But then we started having our disagreements, and our relationship went sour because He wouldn't listen to what I had to say and was always mocking and belittling me when He did. After a while, I just couldn't take the emotional abuse anymore, and I guess I just snapped and yelled at Him. He was outraged, and banished me to Hell for it, and that's where I've been ever since.
That's why God is so much against homosexuality. He was so enraged by our breakup (it was a very bitter affair, trust me), that He couldn't stand the sight of people having sexual intercourse with those of the same gender, so made homosexuality a sin, and that's why homophobia is so rampant in the Catholic Church. [sobs and struggles not to break down and cry at the story he has just told]
Priest: [his face turns fiery red as rage burns through his veins] I've listened to enough! [screaming] I'll not listen to you blaspheme and mock the Lord another second. How dare you! Get out this very instant!
Satan: Fine, I'll go. I tried, but if you won't listen to reason and at least hear me out, there's nothing I can do.
Priest: [still screaming, even louder now] I rebuke all you've told me. I don't know if you really are Satan, or if this is just a joke, but I'll not tolerate your lies and slanders a second more. Get out and don't ever come back to this perish again!
[Satan leaves the confessional, crying softly]