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Send to Friend"Yes, hello, Vito. I'm callin' about your pizza."
"My pizza?"
"Yeah, dumb-fuck, your pizza. I ordered a supreme pizza from you last night, and that crap pie ya had delivered to me made me fuckin' sick to my stomach. I've got a bleedin' ulcer here 'cuz of you, man, what'd ya put in those pizzas of yours?"
"Okay, sir, now just calm down, okay? Let's see if we can get this sorted out."
"No, fuck you, I'm gonna calm down! Are you kiddin' me? I'm fuckin' DYIN' over here, and you're tellin' me I should calm down?! What the fuck's the matter with you, huh? Ya brain- damaged or somethin'? Ya a fuckin' retard over here? The fuck I'm gonna calm down! You can take your 'calm down, buddy' bullshit an' stick it up your fat retarded ASS! I ain't gonna calm down for nobody 'til I get some justice over here?"
"Okay, sir, perhaps you could explain—"
"What?! 'EXPLAIN'? Is that what yer askin' me to do?"
"Yeah, just what's the problem anyway?"
"Oh, Jeez, now I gotta repeat myself for ya, huh? Didn't get in right the first time, so I gotta go through it all over again, ya fuckin' moron?"
"Okay, look, that really isn't necessary, now if—"
"What do ya mean it ain't necessary? You think I need some stupid punk bastard like YOU tellin' ME what is and is not necessary? Is THAT what'choo think?"
"Um...no...I mean—"
"Shut up! Okay? JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEMME SPEAK HERE!"
"Now...now listen here—"
"I SAID SHUT YER FILTHY MOUTH, YA RAT FUCK PIECE OF SHIT! Who the fuck do you think you are poisoning my pizza like that? Is that company policy? Huh? Is that it? 'Here at Vito's Pizzeria, we make every effort to get all our sucker customers fuckin' sick to their stomachs and fuckin' DEAD?!'"
"You think my pizza's the reason you're sick?"
"No, I don't THINK it's the reason, dumbass. I KNOW it is!"
"Oh, you KNOW it is, huh? How do you know, anyway?"
"I'll ask the questions around here, buddy!"
"Just who is this anyway?"
"I SAID SHUT UP AND LEMME ASK THE FUCKIN' QUESTIONS HERE! What's the matter with ya, huh? Ya don't listen very good, do you?"
"Well—ok, look, did anybody else eat from the pizza?"
"Yeah, my best friend, John had a slice, and now he's dead."
"Oh, he's dead now, is he?"
"Yeah, dead, and from only one slice."
"Oh really?"
"That's right, man, he only had one slice, and he got sick to his stomach, too. Had the worse case of diaherrea last night ever recorded. Was getting up to go to the bathroom every twenty minutes. Nothing helped. Drank a whole bottle of Pepto Bizmo and still had the fucking runs. His wife found him the next morning dead on the fucking crapper."
"Oh, he died on the crapper, huh?"
"That's right. Dead while taking a shit."
"Just like Elvis?"
"Just like Elvis."
"I see."
"No, man, you DON'T see. You don't see nothin' and you don't know nothin' either, 'cuz you ain't nothin' but a fuckin' idiot thinks he knows everything. My friend John, he only had on slice of pizza. JUST ONE SLICE. Then he was sick to his stomach, had diarehea, and in the mornin', he even shat out his intestines. That's why he's dead now; 'cuz his intestines fell out through his ass while he was takin' a shit!"
"He shat out his own intestines?"
"That's right, he shat out his own intestines and now he's fuckin' dead! His wife found him dead on the toilet, and then when they took him off, they looked under and found his intestines floatin' around in the toilet bowl, with his blood diluting in the fuckin' water. Now his wife, she ain't never gonna be the same after seein' that. No, man, as it stands now, she is completely inconsolable, and it's all YOUR fault!"
"Oh, it's MY fault, now?"
"Yeah, that's right, it is."
"And I suppose you're afraid you might shit your intestines out as well? Is that right?"
"No, I don't think I gotta worry about that, because, you see, my colon is all clogged up now with this funky fungus...like collyflour. It's completely blocked up my fuckiing colon, so now I can't take a shit at all. And I can't piss either, because I ain't got no penis anymore. Lost that as well; fucking thing turned black, then fell right off. It fell right off, man. This is nuts. I can't fuckin' believe this shit! I can't shit, I can't piss! You know what that's like? You have any fuckin' clue at all what it's like not to be able to shit or piss? It gets painful after awhile, really, really painful. I really gotta go to the bathroom—both ways too, but you know, I can't. And it hurts like a motherfucker! Christ—what the fuck did ya put in that pizza?!"
"I don't know, man...I—I don't remember...I guess whatever you ordered, that's what I put on the pizza, okay? I put whatever kind of toppings you ordered, and that's it."
"Oh, is that so, smart ass?"
"Yes, sir, that's right. If you order pepperoni on your pizza, I put on pepperoni. Sausage and onion, then I put that on your pizza. If you order bacon or mushrooms, then hell, I'll put that on the pizza, too. Whatever you want."
"Yeah—I'm starin' to wonder now what kinda CYANIDE you got on some of those toppings there. Ya wanna explain THAT to me, buddy? What kinda cyanide you got on your shitty toppings you put on your shitty-ass pizza?!"
"Sir, I don't put cyanide on my pizza."
"No, of course not, ya prick. Obviously you wouldn't ADMIT to puttin' cyanide on your pizza. Oh no, that would be detrimental to your corrupt business, wouldn't it? To your freedom as well, you MURDERING SCUMBAG!"
"Now, sir, I'm sure there is a logical explanation—"
"Yeah, your damn right there IS a logical explanation: you poisoned my fuckin' pizza! That's the logical explanation right there!"
"Sir—"
"Oh, God, feeling nauseous...sick to my stomach...think I'm gonna—"
"Look, maybe you should see a doctor, if your that sick, I mean—"
"Yeah, sure, whatever ya say, asshole! Quit tryin' to weasel your way outta this and take some motherfuckin' RESPONSIBILITY for your actions already!"
"What responsibiltiy? What the hell are you talking about?"
"YOU GUTLESS COWARD!!!!! You poisoned my pizza, you poisoned my friend's pizza, and you can't even own up to it. You can't even take the slightest bit of responsibility for what ya did, you worthless coward pansy piece of shit!"
"Now hold it right there, buddy! I don't know who the hell you think you are, but I'm not taking responsibility for ANYTHING until I know it was in fact MY pizza that did this."
"Christ, man, I think I'm breakin' out here!"
"More like breaking down, you mean?"
"I ain't had zits since I was 17, and now my fuckin' face is COVERED in them! Jesus Christ!"
"Okay, I don't know anything about whatever acne problem you got, but—"
"Yeah, got skin boils all over the rest of my body, too, ya know. ALL OVER MY FUCKIN' BODY, YA DUMB SHIT! Yeah, and they're discharging this thick yello puss all over the place, too. Man, it's disgusting. What the fuck is this shit, man?! WHAT'D YA PUT IN MY FUCKIN' PIZZA?!!"
"Okay, now, that's more information than I needed to know."
"Yeah, fuck you an' your weak stomach, too. I'M the one that has to LIVE with this shit happening to me, an' I don't wanna listen to some asswhipe like YOU bitchin' about how disgusting this is. Why don't YOU try livin' with skin boils all over your body leakin' thick yellow puss for a day, huh? Let's see how YOU like it!"
"I don't think I'd like it one bit, actually."
"Yeah, whatever—damn...lost all my hair...my teeth all fell out...holy shit, what's happenin' to me, man? WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME??!!!!!"
"Look, maybe—"
"Oh God *cough* Jesus *cough-cough-cough*—look at this, I'm coughin' up this *cough* coughin' up gobs of this nasty black shit. YUCK!"
"Maybe you should quit smoking, then."
"Yeah, ha-ha—you're a fuckin' riot, ya know that? Christ, I'm dyin' here and this asshole's over there is crackin' a bunch'a stupid jokes. Well, read my lips, pal—"
"Kind of hard to do over the phone."
"THIS AIN'T NO FUCKIN' JOKE! You stand there joking like a moron over there and laughin' it up. Well, that's fine. Laugh all you want now. But you better keep in mind that I DEFINITELY plan to get my lawyer involved in this."
"Oh, is that so?"
"Yeah, genius, that's exactly so. I'm gonna sue your ass. I'm gonna sue ya so bad yer GRANDCHILDREN will be payin' off your court debts! You're goin' down!"
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