THE JOHNNY BASTARD FILES : Valintines Day

After a long, hard, and painful recovery, I am finally nice and healthy once again, and after my fierce battle with anal infections after my self-abortion. I nearly died through the ordeal, but luckily those anti-biotics that the doctors pumped through my body did the trick, and while I'm still a little weak after my various illnesses, I'm more or less out of the woods and once again able to spread my hate and misanthropy throughout the net and to offend and disturb the masses. I don't know why I continued to fight for life. It doesn't really matter much to me if I live or die. While I am not an old, retired geezer as of yet, I'm certainly no longer in my salad days either. I'm getting older, yet aging seems not to hinder my survival instinct. And that's really all it is, since I was never really very enthusiastic or happy to be alive, nor consider myself "high on life" like some people, although I enjoy getting high on various other stubstances from time to time. But even someone as bitter, depressed, apathetic, and misanthropic as myself still possesses that survivalist instinct that will keep them fighting for life until the bitter end, regardless of how indifferent they might be as to whether they are alive or dead. And so despite my severe infections of my asshole, I am still alive. I wasn't saved. I don't have any renewed lust for life, nor have I "found the lord, Jesus Christ" (I will always hold a special contempt in my black heart for all forms of religion, weather organized or otherwise, no matter what I might go through). But I'm alive and well nonetheless, for those who might have been worried about me (yeah, right), and I'm still the same miserable bastard I've always been. And with that said, on with this installment.

My first order of business since my must anticipated (and perhaps dreaded) return, is to discuss Valentine's Day, since it will be here within a month.

I hate Valentine's Day.

This should not surprise you, as I hate all holidays. Christmas. Thanksgiving. Easter. Chanaka. Quansa. Labor Day. April Fools. Independence Day. Each of those holidays earns my scorn and disdain. Just thinking about them and thinking of all the people rejoicing during those times of year, and having fun enrages me to no end. I hate it when people have a good time. I'd rather they be miserable, in great physical or emotional agony...preferably both. I guess if people get depressed during the holidays, then it isn't so bad for me. But still, its the principle of the thing. I even hate Halloween, the mere thought of kids coming to my apartment and expecting me to fill their sack with candy just because they walk around in such "cute" costumes pisses me off to no end. I suppose it wouldn't be so bad if I were to slip some cyanide into their candy, but why risk the jail time? But anyway, I digress...

Let me reiterate: I fucking hate Valentine's Day.

I hate the wretched day and I hate everything it stands for. The very concept makes me sick. I see happy couples walking down the streets, kissing, having great sex, whatever, and a homicidal rage overcomes me. I want nothing more than to ruin it. Nothing would make me happier than to kill one of the parties involved in that happy couple, while leaving the other alive to mourne and wallow in such a tragic loss. Or maybe I'll start spreading viciour rumors about the man or the woman, saying that one of them is cheating on the other and lying behind their back. That'll put a great strain in such a previously happy and healthy relationship and maybe (hopefully) lead to its downfall. Nothing would make me happier. Unfortunately, I lack the necessary motivation and energy to even bother with either of those plans at the moment, so I must instead be content to sitting on my ass, getting high, and dreaming about ruining other people's relationships and their lives.

I know what some of you dipshits are thinking: I must be jealous of all those people, and that I am a lonely person and secretly yearn for the companionship that others have. Let me assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. I once had a girlfriend a long time ago: Eve, if you'll remember. And yes, for a while, I was happy. Then I lost her. I never want to go through that pain again. I look back at how I managed to become so emotionally attached to another human being with disgust and shame. Perhaps I was foolish enough to let my guard down. In any case, it will never happen again. I don't care if others want to waste their time on such a foolish emotion as love (hate is much more satisfying in my eyes), but I sincerly hope that in the end you'll be crushed as I was, not because in my eyes its only fair, but because I am and always will be a sadistic bastard, and I deride great pleasure from seeing people anguished.

I don't understand what the big deal about Valentine's Day is anyway, or for romance for that matter. Romance is the most pointless bullshit ever invented. Fuck roses. They're useless. Maybe they smell nice to some people, but they're useless and only take up space. And as for candy, it tastes like shit and rots your teeth. What do you need candy for. And what's it all for? For sex, of course. The guy goes through all this trouble to wine and dine the bitch, and really only making more work for himself than necessary. Fuck love. Fuck romance. Sex is all that should matter. And there's plenty of porn on the Internet to masturbate to. And there are plenty of cyber whores out there to cybersex with as well. And if you get bored stroking your meat, just hire a hooker. Sure, you still have to spend money on hookers, but at least with them you don't have to be so eloquent and a romantic faggot. You can just be the fat, disgusting slob you usually are, and she won't care, because she's getting paid for it. With romance, you still have to pay money for the flowers and candy and all that other lame bullshit, so its not like you'd be saving any money. Or maybe you can find a fuck buddy somewhere that you can have sex with for a night or maybe two nights, tell the dumb cunt you love her, all that other shit, leading her on, then coldly and cruelly cast her aside, tell her to get her bitchy ass out of the room, and watch as she runs off crying. If only I weren't such an ugly bastard with such a small penis, I think I might try doing that one of these days.

But okay, you want your holiday about love and romance? Fine. But at the very least, how about a compromise? I say we should make another holiday, and instead of love, this new holiday should embrace hate. Its only fair, after all. If such a holiday would come to pass, I would be the happiest bastard on Earth. Finally a holiday I can enjoy! A holiday in which all hate is embraced, whether it be through prejudices or personal vendetta. Its all the same to me. And on this holiday, if you hate someone, then it is perfectly legal to kill the son of a bitch, and you won't have to worry about it. There are no limits--kill as many as you want. Complete and total anarchy. Chaos and destruction! Now that's my kind of holiday! Sadly, it will never happen. People have too much of a stick up their ass about violence, so my idea for a holiday will never come to pass. Still, I can always dream...

In conclusion, I would like to state that Valentine's Day sucks huge donkey balls, and that we should all boycott it immediately.

And also, its great to be back!

 

January 08, 2003

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