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Send to FriendIt's a bird.
It's a plane.
Oh shit, head for the hills, it's...
SUPERBASTARD!"
Every young boy has dreams of being a superhero, and I was definitely no exception. I read comics and watched cartoons and was vastly entertained by the notion of people with superpowers fighting evil as any other boy my age would have been. Of course, I'm pretty sure that I explained last time around that I hold nothing but contempt for those pathetic fools in the spandex tights and watched only for the entertainment value. But still, it would be cool to possess super powers, I think anyone can agree with that. What would you use them for? Well, everyone would probably have a different answer, but I know what I would use them for. And that's what this segment is all about. So, without further ado—
If I were a super hero:
...I wouldn't hesitate to kill anyone that crosses my path no matter what the circumstances. None of that bullshit no-killing-no-matter-what code for me. In fact, I would make it a point to kill all of my arch on my first run-in with them. That'll keep them from coming back again and again. They can escape prison but they can't escape death. Not only will I kill arch villains, but I will also kill minor criminals as well, such as jay-walkers, shoplifters, and...well, I'd keep the drug-dealers around, of course. Otherwise, how else would I get my fix? But everyone else would end up dead should they cross my path or break the law in anyway. Hell, I'd even kill innocent civilians just to strike even more terror in the hearts of evil-doers! That's right, folks, it would be just like dealing with the Secret Police in Russia during the early 1900s!
...I would not degrade myself by wearing some faggy spandex uniform. Uh-uh, no fucking way, pal! What kind of transvestite do you think I am? Only sissies wear tights and I may be a lot of things, but I sure as hell am no sissy. Tights, man, what a fucking joke! Damn it, Jim, I'm a superhero, not a ballerina!
...like most superheroes, I will keep my true identity a secret, but not to protect my friends and family, but rather, so I can break the law and abuse my power while in costume and no one would ever be able to link my crimes to my secret identity. A corrupt, hypocritical crime-fighter, just like about 90% of every cop on the force.
...if I see some dumb broad wandering around in some dark alley at three in the morning and she gets raped or mugged or watever, then I won't do a damn thing to help her. Fuck trying to save some damsel in distress. If she was dumb enough to wanter around in a dark alley at the Devil's Midnight, then she deserves whatever she gets as far as I'm concerned.
...I will not be a good role model for your children. I will continue to smoke, drink, do drugs, have unprotected sex with strangers and prostitutes; in fact, as you can see, I will do everything in my power to become as bad of an influence on Little Johnny as possible. I'm gonna teach 'em to lie, cheat, and steal, and then bust them for it big time! I'm going to tell them that fighting always solves everything! If parents have a problem with it, tough shit! I'm not a parent and I don't give a flying fuck what becomes of your kids either. Their your kids, so you raise them!
...in that respect, if I see your filthy little brat running out into the street chasing his stupid ball and a car is speeding and about to run him over, I'm going to just stand there, watching, and doing absolutely nothing at all. If that ball is so goddamn precious to your stupid brat that he's willing to sacrifice his life for it, then so be it! Not my problem at all. In fact, I'll stay and enjoy the show, engaged as I watch the car run the kid down, crushing him beneath the tires. The show would get better as the hysterical mother would come bolting into the street after sonny boy, only to realize that it's too late and he's already dead. That'll be a site to see, watching her bawling and crying uncontrollably. Funny as hell and a real turn-on to boot.
...everyone damn well better treat me with the utmost respect and kiss my ass, my balls, and whatever other body parts I wish to have kissed whenever I walk by. I'll be damned if I have to fight crime in your shithole city every night and not get at least a little fucking respect out of the deal. Any cops try and come after me, they will die. Any newspaper journalists write anything negative about me at all, I will track the son of a bitch and drop him off the top of the nearest sky scraper! No way in hell am I going to save anyone's ass and then have them turn around mock, condemn, or persecute me in anyway. It's just not going to happen!
...If somebody offers me a monetary reward for my good deeds, I won't hesitate one minute when I accept that award. Fuck all that bullshit about doing my job--if I'm going to be putting my ass on the line, then I should be payed for it, don't you think? Yeah, in fact, you'd be lucky if I actually did it without the guarantee of monetary compensation. And as for just doing my job: well, if you don't get paid for it, then it's not a job--it's a either a hobby or volunteer work.
...not one of my comics will be approved by that retarded Comics Code: Authority but will instead be chalk full of swearing, violence, blood and gore, and plenty of sexual scenes and nudity to corrupt your precious little boy's values and warp his mind. And I hope it does piss off all the censorious holy rollers so afraid of the kiddies actually viewing some entertainment with just a little bit of balls--heaven forbid. My animated series will be suitable for no network station or cable TV; hell, the FCC would probably shit their pants if they showed my series on a premium station like HBO. And my live action movie will be about as wholesome and family-oriented as a hardcore porn flick.
...in the event that I learn of an arch villain's nefarious plot to poison a town/city's water supply, I reserve the right to do nothing at all about it. And that's most likely what I will do if the resevoire in question is from somewhere far away from where I live, since it really wouldn't be my problem at all. Though if it were about to happen in my town's resevoire, then most likely I probably would do something about it. After all, I gotta drink from that water, too.
...should I find out that an arch enemy of mine decided to hide out in some moonbase or space station of some kind, then I'm just going to leave him there. If he doesn't bother me, then I won't bother him either and everyone's happy. If he has missiles, nuclear weapons, or other nasty shit in his arsenal, then again, its not my problem. Let the government and military deal with it. And if I find out that my area could become a hotspot for a full scale ground zero nuclear attack, then I'll simply look into moving elsewhere and watching the show from a distance. Hey, do you have any idea how difficult and expensive space travel actually is? Lets be realistic here.
...as far as villains hiding in under-sea bases, see my policy above regarding space stations and moonbases.
...I will never take part in or contribute to any kind of charity, sponsorship program, walkathon, or any other "good" causes in any way. I'll have noting to do with anything of that nature at all. I will not set a good example for anybody!
if I see a bunch of kids using drugs, I'm not going to lecture them on the adverse effects of drug use and why they should "just say 'no' to drugs," but instead ask them to pass the stuff to me so that I may take a hit too, and then graciously pass it along to the next kid so he can take his turn as well.
...I will not go out of my way to save the world, the universe, or any individual no matter how important he or she may be, because believe it or not, I have a life, too. And as I made perfectly clear throughout this entire rant: if I am to be a superhero, then I'm going to do it on my terms and no one else's, nor will I conform to anyone's expectations as to what a superhero should be.
...I will never, ever, EVER fight for truth, justice, or the American way!
Aw, who am I kidding. I could never be a superhero because I just don't have the right wiring. Oh well, who wants to live that shitty life anyway? I'd have a lot more fun being an arch-villain!
December 10, 2001