THE JOHNNY BASTARD FILES : Dictatorship

It has always been my dream, even as a little kid, to someday become dictator of this vile, filthy, disgusting country of ours we call the United States—hell, who knows, perhaps even the world. But I'm realize, and I realize that that is not an accomplishment to be had over night. One must first attain much smaller goals, and, once these smaller ones are realized, then you may go for the gold and all the glory. But first, I will worry about the States, and for now, to hell with the rest of the world. How will I do it, you ask? How will I become dictator of this "blessed" country of ours? Good question. And unfortunately, one I cannot answer as of yet. I haven't yet concocted any kind of master plan, unfortunately. But I do have a small list of rules that will be placed in effect immediately after I have attained my position, so you better look over them now, and study well, for these could become the law of the land tomorrow, you see. So, without further ado, I will now tell you all of my regime.

When I become dictator:

 

The death penalty will be legal in each of the 50 states. Not only that, but each execution will be televised live. We'll have "The Executions Channel", which will come with basic cable, for anyone who wishes to view the current execution taking place. Maybe even "The Executions Channel 2", if needed. It'll be done in a Wheel of Fortune type situation, only here, it would be more aptly titled, "The Wheel of Death". There will be spaces such as crucifixion, drowning, getting shot in the belly, beheading, and a wide assortment of other delicious goodies. Hell, just to make it more interesting, we'll even have a small sliver of a space that says, "Get a full pardon for your crimes--yeah, but it'll be so thin as to make it impossible for the wheel to stop there!

If you see a hitchhiker on the side of the Interstate highway, whether in broad daylight or at 3am, you are under legal obligation to swerve your car to the side where he is and run his ass over. Look at it this way: he's got this whole trap set up where he's going to lure you into giving him a ride, and once he's got you right where he wants him, he will beat the fucking shit out of you, steal your money, steal your car, and possibly even rape and/or kill you as well. Kill or be killed, man. Wipe him out before he gets the chance to do the same to you. Hey, even if you just drive right past him, you know that someone else will be naÏve/dumb enough to stop and give the sick bastard a ride. Think of the countless lives you'll be saving, and just waste his fucking ass already!

Likewise, if your driving in a neighborhood street, and the dumb punkass kids refuse to get the fuck out of your way, it is perfectly legal (although not mandatory) to run 'em all over. Ha--some snot-nosed 5-year-old puke decides to go chasing after his fucking ball in the middle of the street while you're plowing down at 65 miles per hour, and you run his ass over, you will not be punished for it in any way. Not even a slap on the wrist for you, pal. Hell, I might even give ya a fucking medal for it!

Speed limits will cease to exist. You'll be allowed to plow down any road as fast as your fucking car will take you.

You're still allowed to drive slow if you wish. However, you are required to get the fuck out of the way of someone from behind if they are going faster than you are. Failure to do so will allow the other motorist to run your ass the fuck off the road by any means necessary, which may result in your death...and I sure as hell hope it does!

If your dog starts barking at any time, day or night, and one of the neighbors calls animal control, then your dog will be shot on the spot. If your kids put up any protest, start whining, screaming, crying, or begging the agent not to kill the stupid mutt, then they too will be shot. If you put up a protest for either shooting, then you will be shot as well.

It will be illegal to mow your lawn at any time during the day except at 3pm. If you're caught mowing the lawn at any other time, you will be frisked away from your home, and have the entire bag of lawn clippings dumped down your throat. Should you spit out or cough up any of the clippings, your head will be forced underneath the lawnmower while the motor is still running. Should you vomit afterward, the same thing will happen. It will also be done by default in the event that your lawnmower does not use a bag to collect grass clippings.

Prostitution will be legalized in each of the 50 states.

Drugs will also be legalized and distributed freely to all consumers who wish to buy them, and the price will be very low price.

Minimum age requirements for the purchase of alcohol and tobacco products will cease to exist.

The waiting period for buying a gun will also become a thing of the past, and the purchase of any kind of firearms, explosives or incendiary devices will now be as easy as buying a candy bar at Seven-Eleven, regardless of age, race, sex, sexual orientation, or mental/psychiatric health.

Vending machines for alcoholic beverages, tobacco products, and formerly illegal drugs will be installed at every gas station, rest stop, motel, office, mall, school building, etc. in America, and will be paid for by the government. It is the responsibility of the owner of the place it is installed at to keep the machines properly maintained, full, and in-service at all times for anyone who wishes to use them, and failure to comply with these requirements will result in you being fined so heavily you'll be forced to declare bankruptcy a thousand times over.

All children will be required to bring to school each day no less than a .45 caliber handgun and have their firearm on hand and ready to use at all times.

Teachers will be required to bring to school each day no less than an AK50 assault rifle, blah, blah, blah, and the assault rifle must be clearly visible at all times, and can be used as a handy teacher's aide and/or disciplinary tool for dealing with those really naughty and disruptive students.

Regarding protestors outside of abortion clinics, each of the doctors, nurses, etc. at the clinics will be well within their legal rights to hang out from a window above and piss all over the angry mob or stick his or her ass out the window and shit on their heads. Likewise, any passer-by who sees this angry mob in action can toss as many rocks at the protestors heads as they like, until protestors leave, and the protestors are not allowed to throw rocks back or they will be put to death. They have no legal recourse against any of this, and the only legal way they can put an end to it is pack up their shit and go home and forget about all this bullshit their pulling. The same thing goes for protestors of any establishment or institution--unless of course I don't like that institution, in which case you can protest all you want--and I will probably eventually have those institutions/organizations shut down anyway.

You are required by law to beat the living shit out of your kids at least twice a day, even if they didn't do a damn thing wrong. Failure to comply with this law will result in the social workers coming by your house and taking your kids away right in front of you, while they are kicking and screaming and crying their precious little eyes out, and placed in a foster home until they turn 18, in which case they will be thrown out on their ass on the streets and be forced to fend for themselves from there on in. And as for the parents, should they step within 300 feet of their children, or have any kind of contact with them whatsoever, whether it be sending letters, online, or over the phone, the parents will both immediately be put to death.

There will be no protests of any kind to my rule. If you don't like the way I run things, tough shit, ya better learn to fucking deal with it! But any open protest or criticism of my rulings, myself as a leader, or of me in general, even if it is merely meant as satire, will not be tolerated in any way, and all violators will immediately be put to death. No trial, no sentencing, no bullshit, just cold, hard, and swift justice! And anyone who so much as thinks about protesting outside my castle will be shot on sight.

Mirrors will be illegal. You can't make them, you can't sell them, you can't own them, and you sure as hell can't walk around with them. Anyone in violation of this rule will be forced to eat my shit 'til they puke and then they'll be forced to eat that too!

 

Those are all the rules I can think of right now. More will be added in time, rest assured. And keep in mind, that once I do achieve my dream of dictatorship, that even if you legitimately didn't know about a certain rule, that that is no excuse for breaking it!

 

April 25, 2001

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