Zero Hour : Tests

Are you an asshole?

What criteria would you consider when deciding that someone is an asshole?

No one is an asshole, because everyone has SOMETHING good about them. You just have to look deep to find what it is.

People who are mean and cruel are assholes.

It is hard to define concretely, but I still know an asshole when I see one.

If you piss me off in any way, you are an asshole.

Everyone is an asshole and I am always sure to let them know that every chance I get because I love petty conflicts and pissing contests.

Do you consider yourself to be an asshole?

No way. In fact, I do everything in my power NOT to upset anybody even to the point of letting them push me around.

No, I am usually a nice person, except for those rare times when something might really be upsetting me.

I am only nice to those who are nice to me, and an asshole to everyone else.

I can be pretty obnoxious most of the time. I enjoy busting people's balls and being a prick.

I am a complete and total asshole one hundred percent of the time and consider it to be a badge of honor.

Would you say that you have a great deal of friends?

Yes, I have never met anyone who I did not like and who did not like me.

Yeah, I have a decent amount of friends.

People either like me or hate my guts.

I am not a real people person.

Everyone hates me and I hate them even more.

Are you loyal to your friends?

I am fiercely loyal to my friends and would never do anything that could even remotely let them down, even if they have screwed me over in the past.

I always try to be the best friend I possibly can.

I am loyal when it is convenient for me, but will usually put my own needs above theirs.

I would stab my friends in the back at the drop of a hat.

I do not have any friends, per se, but I often like to pretend to be a friend to someone for a while, to manipulate them, and then overtly screw them over because the look of hurt on their faces is always amusing to me.

Are you sadistic?

I cannot fathom how anyone could possible be sadistic.

I am generally not sadistic, though if I do not like the person, I might be less likely to feel bad for him if he is suffering.

If I hate the person, then I enjoy their suffering, but otherwise, I am not sadistic.

I enjoy the suffering and discomfort of others.

The only time I am ever really happy is when everyone around me is in pain.

Are you easily angered?

No way, I could never get angry at anything or anyone.

It’s possible, but you would have to do something REALLY bad to set me off.

I can get angry from time to time, but I usually have good reason to be angry.

I have a pretty bad temper.

I am angry all the time and would like nothing more than to destroy everyone and everything around me.

Which of the following is the most important?

Pleasing everybody.

Friends and family.

Happiness.

Wealth and power.

The knowledge that my existence has caused vast amount of pain and suffering toward every life I touch.

How well would you say you could relate to Johnny Bastard?

I cannot relate to him at all. His views and actions are just too cruel and cynical for my tastes.

Occasionally he might say something that I can agree with or relate to, but most of the time he is just entertaining.

On some things I can relate to him, but not with everything.

For the most part, I can relate with and agree with him.

Reading the Johnny Bastard Files, I feel like I am reading about MYSELF.

When you come across a site that offends you, you:

This would be absolutely impossible, because there is nothing in the world that could possibly offend or upset you.

Leave gracefully in search of something more to your liking.

Flame their guest book, message board, and/or send them loads of hate mail and obscene death threats.

Whine, bitch, and moan until that site is removed from the net, never to return again.

Do whatever it takes to get their site off the Internet, including illegal methods such as hacking their server, even if it means taking out non-offensive, innocent sites as well.

When you need to fart and there are other people around you that would suffer the stench of your fart, you:

Do whatever it takes to hold it in, even if you absolutely explode.

Let it out, but try not to draw too much attention to yourself.

Not care at all that you farted, because hey, everyone has to fart from time to time.

Laugh and giggle obnoxiously while you waft the noxious fumes in their direction.

Grab the person closest to you and shove their face up your ass, suffocating them with your vile methane fumes.

You are waiting in a long line at the supermarket, and suddenly a new register opens up, just as an elderly lady with a walker and a cart full of groceries also heading for that lane. You:

Not only allow her to go ahead of me, but even help her with the groceries, offering to pay and offer to help bring them to her car even.

Let her get in front of me. You are in no hurry.

Whoever gets first can check out the groceries first, as long as you do not have to wait in that long line.

Do whatever it takes to get ahead of the old woman. No way in hell are you waiting a second longer in any shitty line, end of story.

Race toward the lane, pushing that old bat the fuck out of your way in the process and watching as she topples to the floor, screaming as all of her groceries slide all over the place. As you check out your own groceries, you stand there, laughing and taunting the old lady.

You are standing in a long line and someone cuts in front of you. You:

Happily stand in front of you, and even offer others to cut in front of you as well, even though you have stood in this line for several hours.

Get pissed off but do not say anything.

Ask them politely to go into the back of the line.

Aggressively tell them to get their ass the fuck to the end of the line and wait like everyone else.

Grab them by the throat and send them reeling toward the back of the line.

You are in a movie theatre watching a movie that you are really into. Suddenly a baby starts to cry loudly. You:

Do not get annoyed at all. The baby is just doing what comes naturally. Besides, babies are so cute and precious, so you can’t see how I could EVER get annoyed with them.

Get pretty annoyed, but try your best to ignore it and concentrate on enjoying the movie.

You cannot enjoy or concentrate on the movie at all, because the baby’s cries are just too annoying, so instead you sit there pouting to yourself and swearing under your breath.

You stand up and start screaming at the mother: “Goddamn it, shut that fucking thing up right now. I am trying to watch the fucking movie, bitch!”

You grab the baby by the throat and shake it like a maraca. That will shut the fucking thing up for good, and then you can get back to enjoying your movie in peace and quiet.

When a bum approaches you, asking for money, what do you do?

Not only do you give him nearly all the cash in your wallet, you even offer him some food and a place to stay for the night.

Give him some money and walk away.

Just ignore him and walk away.

Scold and lecture the bum about how much of a worthless loser he is, why he should just get a fucking job and quit leeching off everyone else, and perhaps why it might be best if he ends his miserable existence right now.

Beat up the bum and take whatever money he had collected from others, and then run away.

You see one of those commercials asking for donations to sponsor a starving child in one of those poverty-stricken countries somewhere. You:

Donate generously, not concerned with your own financial status as long as you can help save the children.

Sympathize with the children and feel guilty that you are unable to afford to donate to them.

Donate to the charity, but mostly so you can get a tax write-off.

Ignore the commercial. It’s not like it is your problem anyway.

Laugh hysterically and thrive on all the pain and suffering those children are forced to endure.

You are at work, and you find out that one of your coworkers is devastated because he just found out that his son was brutally murdered. You:

Go out of your way to be extra nice to the person and be there for them during their time of need.

Send them flowers and/or a sympathy card.

Do nothing and get back to work.

Privately take amusement and pleasure in their grief.

Overtly taunt him over the death of his son, embellishing all of the grisly details of what happened again and again, would even flash videos and crime scene photos in their face if possible.

You are driving down the high way and you see that someone up ahead is trying to get in front of you because they really need to get into the next exit. You:

Happily slow down to make sure that they are able to switch into your lane so they can take your exit.

Neither speed up nor slow down, because they are far enough ahead of you so that they can make it to the exit without a problem.

Speed up because you cannot stand it when people get in front of you.

Not only speed up, but also press the pedal all the way down to the floor, and then beep the horn obnoxiously, shouting profanities and shooting your middle finger up at the person, making it look as though THEY are the inconsiderate driving trying to cut you off.

You do everything in the previous choice, and also make it a point to run their ass off the road as well.

You are married (if you are not married, imagine that you are), and you are out in public. Someone of the opposite sex makes sexual advances toward you. Your spouse is at home. You:

Smile, nod your head, and keep walking, thinking that they are probably just trying to be friendly and could not possibly be serious about it, especially since your wedding ring is in plain view.

This would be a very awkward situation for you, as you know that you would never cheat on your spouse, but do not want to hurt this person’s feelings either. You try to explain your situation politely, hoping the person will understand, and if they do not, you will try to slip away the first chance you get.

You explain (bluntly, if necessary) that you are married and not attracted to the person at all.

You have an affair with the person. This is not the first time you have done something like this, and the spouse never needs to know about it either.

You bring the person home with you and flaunt having the affair in front of your spouse.

You are in the mall and you see a little girl who is lost and crying for her mommy and daddy. You:

You drop everything you are doing and cover the entire mall looking for the girl’s parents.

You take the little girl with you to customer service and inform them that she is lost and they should try to page her parents.

You ignore the girl and continue on your way.

You yell at the girl to quit whining and quit being such a fucking baby.

You tell the girl that her mother and father have left the mall without her and that they no longer love her because she is such a horrible kid.

You are out driving in the pouring rain and see a complete stranger walking on the sidewalk without an umbrella, who is not completely drenched. You:

Offer him a ride without hesitation.

Are torn between feeling bad for the person and being afraid to offer him a ride because he might be a psycho.

Keep driving. The guy is probably a psycho anyway.

Intentionally swerve over a deep puddle, splashing the guy so he is now completely soaked, and then drive off.

Do the above option. And then you hit reverse back to the guy, who is now soaked and shivering, open your car door slightly to offer him a ride. Just as the guy is about to get in the car, you slam the door shut and then speed off down the road, laughing your ass off.